The Waiting Game

Hi friends,

The last few days have been some of the hardest in memory.

I looked in the mirror on the long weekend and barely recognised the woman staring back at me. I looked tired, sad and distant.

As I write this post, I am dealing with some pretty heavy personal health issues that ravage me with serious emotional ups and downs.

Next week, I have a hearing test booked. Then another appointment with my GP whom I've seen twice in the last two weeks. There is talks of seeing a neurologist and ENT as well. MRI and Cat Scans, Audiograms and blood tests have been ordered.

At the moment, the outlook is uncertain. But I am potentially going to be diagnosed with Meniere's Disease, an incurable disorder of the ears. What this means, is that I'll suffer from it for the rest of my life. We don't know what triggered it off, most likely my recent pregnancy. Since pregnancy increases the retaining of fluid, this has triggered off a serious of symptoms that my Ob-Gyn, GP and nurses couldn't find a diagnosis for.

My symptoms are severe. I don't have any warning when an attack will strike, but when it does, I am bed ridden for days with vertigo and tinnitus, followed by days of fuzziness in the head. I cannot take medication as I am breastfeeding Harriet who is only 8 weeks old.

My family have been concerned about my well being for months and as my Mum checked in on me this week after another appointment with my GP,  she mentioned that my uncle has Meniere's Disease too. So we do have a family history of the illness.

I had an attack on Friday night which really frightened me. My last attack was early January and it was mild at best. I convinced myself that after I gave birth, the symptoms would disperse and I would recover.

Our family plans for Easter were cancelled. I felt guilty all weekend, watching the kids become bored inside. They didn't seem to mind, watching movies, doing craft and building lego. But I was overwhelmed with guilt, knowing that this could be a common part of our future as a family. Plans being cancelled, and my children watching me become bed ridden and unable to care for them. During an attack I am barely able to care for myself as the symptoms make driving, cooking, even doing basic things like going to the toilet impossible. I think deep down this is the worst part of the disease, that I will always need someone to care for me when I become symptomatic.

Treatment for the disease is different for everyone. Some people claim a low sodium diet helps, as salt retains fluid in the body. Most people treat the vertigo with heavy medication like Valium to calm themselves during an attack.

I guess I can't get too carried away with all this information until it has been confirmed. But as my usual anxious self, I have already pictured a life, living with this disease and it what that will entail for my family and myself.

I am seeing my therapist next week and will be able to get some techniques to deal with the anger and denial that I am feeling.

It's a waiting game, for results and relying on the professionals for more information and advice.

I will know more soon, until then xx

Single Parenting

He is there:

And I am here:

That's our apartment building in the middle of the photo.


James is in Melbourne for a conference and will be home on Thursday. Another week of single parenting. I'm still not used to it. Neither is Abigail. She knows when he is packing and knows his routine. When he is away, she becomes SUPER CLINGY to me. Like, follows me into the toilet, screams if I put a load of washing on, whinges for things she knows she isn't allowed to have, like chocolate and biscuits and chocolate, hehe.


Luckily, she still sleeps well and eats well. But I always struggle. I watch TV in bed till I fall asleep. I triple check the door locks. I don't sleep very well. It's even harder when I'm pregnant because my hormones are out of control and I cry on a whim. I've already had a big cry today.


What can I do? My husband has to travel for work. He always has, he probably always will. Next week he is off to Singapore for a week which will be harder. I have Dr's appointments and things planned. Hopefully my Mum is coming to stay with me in the city and we will hit the shops together and the Aquarium too.


I can't complain too much. I have many friends in WA and their husband's work in mines and on oil rigs. Away for 4 weeks at a time. Home for a week, then off again. And another friend of mine, her fiance is based in Melbourne in the Army but she is here in Sydney. They make it work, but it's tough on them. She said that's the life of an army wife!


Tomorrow, I will force myself to get out of the house to do something. Perhaps the park or playground. Hmmmm