The Waiting Game

Hi friends,

The last few days have been some of the hardest in memory.

I looked in the mirror on the long weekend and barely recognised the woman staring back at me. I looked tired, sad and distant.

As I write this post, I am dealing with some pretty heavy personal health issues that ravage me with serious emotional ups and downs.

Next week, I have a hearing test booked. Then another appointment with my GP whom I've seen twice in the last two weeks. There is talks of seeing a neurologist and ENT as well. MRI and Cat Scans, Audiograms and blood tests have been ordered.

At the moment, the outlook is uncertain. But I am potentially going to be diagnosed with Meniere's Disease, an incurable disorder of the ears. What this means, is that I'll suffer from it for the rest of my life. We don't know what triggered it off, most likely my recent pregnancy. Since pregnancy increases the retaining of fluid, this has triggered off a serious of symptoms that my Ob-Gyn, GP and nurses couldn't find a diagnosis for.

My symptoms are severe. I don't have any warning when an attack will strike, but when it does, I am bed ridden for days with vertigo and tinnitus, followed by days of fuzziness in the head. I cannot take medication as I am breastfeeding Harriet who is only 8 weeks old.

My family have been concerned about my well being for months and as my Mum checked in on me this week after another appointment with my GP,  she mentioned that my uncle has Meniere's Disease too. So we do have a family history of the illness.

I had an attack on Friday night which really frightened me. My last attack was early January and it was mild at best. I convinced myself that after I gave birth, the symptoms would disperse and I would recover.

Our family plans for Easter were cancelled. I felt guilty all weekend, watching the kids become bored inside. They didn't seem to mind, watching movies, doing craft and building lego. But I was overwhelmed with guilt, knowing that this could be a common part of our future as a family. Plans being cancelled, and my children watching me become bed ridden and unable to care for them. During an attack I am barely able to care for myself as the symptoms make driving, cooking, even doing basic things like going to the toilet impossible. I think deep down this is the worst part of the disease, that I will always need someone to care for me when I become symptomatic.

Treatment for the disease is different for everyone. Some people claim a low sodium diet helps, as salt retains fluid in the body. Most people treat the vertigo with heavy medication like Valium to calm themselves during an attack.

I guess I can't get too carried away with all this information until it has been confirmed. But as my usual anxious self, I have already pictured a life, living with this disease and it what that will entail for my family and myself.

I am seeing my therapist next week and will be able to get some techniques to deal with the anger and denial that I am feeling.

It's a waiting game, for results and relying on the professionals for more information and advice.

I will know more soon, until then xx